What have you lectured your child about lately? Chances are it’s actually a clue about how to turn things around! They just need the life skills to fix it.
I remember the day it clicked.
I have a degree in Psychology, but it felt rather dusty as I was living in the trenches of fostering each day:
- forgetting steps to chores she’s been doing every day for 2 years
- having meltdowns because there was a substitute teacher and she was expecting her usual routine
- going out to play in a t-shirt and shorts when it’s a -40 winter snowstorm
- losing her school supplies and schoolwork every week
One frustrating day, I stomped up the stairs to cool off and – it clicked.
As an adult, when I was upset that she forgot where her math assignment was – again – I was able to hold back words that would be unhelpful…
…control my tone so it wasn’t sharp or sarcastic
…retreat and do some quick calming activities when I knew I was reaching a boiling point.
But my daughter couldn’t.
my parenting fail (and how I fixed it)
I somehow expected her to instinctively pick up calming techniques that took me years to develop.
But I could find a way to fast-track it.
My big a-ha moment that changed my parenting (and my kids’ self-confidence and capabilities)?
We as parents can bypass the long (long, long) wait for our kids’ to fully develop needed skills by intentionally teaching and practicing them in our day.
This article will give you a better idea of why your child repeats that pesky behaviour and, better yet, what they need to turn it into an asset.
Why do my kids keep repeating the same frustrating behaviour?
My daughter lacked the life skills needed to plan ahead, organize her things, and calm her anger.
She has an invisible disability in this area which has hammered home time and time again that when she acts out, it’s her brain, not behaviour.
Now I have to parent each child a bit differently – and yes, sometimes it is behaviour 😉 – but for the most part, misbehaviour in ALL my kids is a result of underdeveloped executive functioning or life skills.
The World Health Organization defines life skills as the thinking, social and emotional abilities needed to handle day-to-day life in a positive, flexible way.
The thinking skills, or executive functioning, is a set of mental skills that develop in the part of our brain responsible for complex thinking, planning and organizing; this includes working memory, the ability to multitask, having self-control, and decision-making.
Social skills enable us to interact positively with others, communicate our needs and work as a team, while emotional skills connect our relationship with those around us – and how our emotional reactions can help or harm us or others.
Then there are practical life skills, like cooking, laundry, cleaning, and good hygiene.
So when you’re 25min. late for the party because their socks don’t match
….or they disappear from chores each time (similar to a scene from “If You Give a Mouse A Cookie”) because they honestly forgot what they were doing
…how about when you need a U-Haul to wade through their rooms to tuck them in at night?
All relate to missing life skills.
Until we have these skills, we can’t do better, no matter how hard we try.
Our kids’ attitude, distraction, procrastination, and even their push-back is a silent cry that “I don’t know how”.
But we can teach them.
We just need to zero in on which skill is lacking in that specific behaviour.
your child’s behaviour is actually a clue to what life skills they need
I ran a FB poll for a lovely (exasperated) group of moms who gamely shared their last lecture to their kids.
Let’s take some of their examples and see the related life skill and some practical ideas to start turning things around:
The next time you catch yourself doing your own deep breathing exercises after a head-on with your child, take a minute and remember this perspective. And find the life skill your child is really asking for.
I’m so busy. How can I find time to teach life skills? (aka: can’t they just figure it out themselves?)
Life is crammed for us busy moms, I get it. But teaching life skills should be a priority, for the good of the whole family.
Can’t they just figure it out themselves – whether by connecting natural consequences or having an epiphany?
Sure, if you want to keep dealing with the problem until they’re grown up and out of the house 😉
These skills don’t fully develop until their early 20s …but you can start laying the foundation now.
You and your kids can’t afford to wait. Explicitly teaching these skills makes a huge impact on the peacefulness of your home – and saves you time in the long run.
Think about it.
How much time would you save if you didn’t have to search for their missing stuff?
Had to have that family meeting because of all the talk-balk and arguing?
Lecture your child that, yes, they have to still finish their violin practice or math homework even if they don’t like it?
On the other hand, if you’ve been taking a snippet of dedicated time each week to brainstorm that particular struggle:
- it’s top of mind before their emotions escalate
- you’ve brainstormed positive actions, phrases and thinking patterns they can take
- together, you’ve set up systems that are part of your family routine
- they’ve been taught to problem-solve and adapt
Now isn’t that worth 15-30min. each week?
resilient, happy, successful kids have strong life skills
And an added bonus?
When our children have the skills to care for themselves, their things, and others…they’re happy.
They have confidence and a resilient strength that they have purpose and something pretty wonderful to give the world. And have the skills to make that happen.
What does the current research say about the impact of teaching life skills?
According to Albertyn et al. (2004) life skills training enhance critical thinking abilities, [and] further impacts were living life actively, being responsible in the job and in future planning too.
Ramesh and Farshad C. (2004) in his study proved the effectiveness of like skills training in increasing mental and physical health, pro-social behavior and decreasing in behavioral, social problems & self-destructive behaviors.
Smith & et al., (2004) noted significant improvement in interpersonal relationship and reduction in aggression and behavioral problems.
Tuttle et al., (2006), during their investigation, add the life skills to students’ curriculum. The results of this study suggested the extraordinary capability of teens to positive promotion and flexibility.
Vranda and Rao (2011) proved that life skills training enhanced their psychosocial Competencies.
Puspakumarag (2013) in his study showed that life skills training was effective in preventing a wide range of problems such as substance abuse, teenage pregnancies, violence Bullying & to promote self-confidence and selfesteem among the adolescents.
Roodbari, Sahdipoor, and Ghale (2013) in their research showed that life skills training has a positive effect and improves social development, emotional and social adjustment, suggesting an increase in compatibility of children and public health.
The present paper focuses on how enhancing social, emotional and thinking skills through life skills education, helps the 21st- century youngsters to achieve their goals, strengthens the abilities to meet the needs and demands of the present society, and be successful in life.
~ Ravindra Prajapati, Ph.D., Bosky Sharma, Dharmendra Sharma, Ph.D. “Significance Of Life Skills Education“
Amazing benefits, right?!
To summarize, in taking the time to teach thinking, social, emotional and practical life skills, our kids
- have a better chance at thriving as adults
- reduce behavioural challenges
- boost their confidence and happiness
- can make wise decisions toward their well-being and future goals
Our kids’ successful future depends on developing these skills now.
teach life skills effectively in 3 steps
There are so many life skills your kids need. Where do you start?
First, finetune which underdeveloped life skill is affecting your child’s day the most. Take the quiz below to give you a headstart.
Then book a short slot in your weekly schedule to do some intentional teaching and practice. My family’s day is Friday mornings.
Finally, list out each subcategory of that specific skill. For example, my son needed to work on meal planning and cooking. I planned out a mini-curriculum and we tackled 1-2 topics on a Friday morning, then had him practice throughout the week:
- restock the pantry (in the proper order, number of cans, correct item)
- cooking/baking (I’ll be making more visual recipes for him to add to his cookbook)
- making healthy food choices: food portions
- teach simple appliances: slow cooker
- food safety: meat, sanitizing, food separated, lifespan of foods (make cheatsheet)
- how to wash produce
- Kids Cook Real Food videos: spices / spreading
- meal planning, grocery shopping
Depending on the age and ability of your kids, your list will look a little different. But it’s a general idea to spur you on.
The easiest and fastest way to teach life skills
Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t be.
If you’re reading this before June 18, 2022, the free Life Skills Now summer camp has over 60 workshops for kids aged 5-18 to learn from 50 experts (saving you a boatload of time and thinking power).
Free for the week of June 13-18, and available for purchase for families like mine that incorporate life skills into our week.
In this camp, I was invited to create 2 of the workshops for your kids to learn organization (how to stop losing your stuff and keep that room clean) and how to stop arguing (self-advocacy: how to ask (politely) for what you want).
My kids can’t wait to experience the other videos!
If you’ve missed it, take the quiz and sign up for the personalized tipsheet…and drop me a note to add you to the Interest List. I’m QUITE sure this will be an annual summer camp, it’s been so successful already!
read more:
- Self-Advocacy: how to get your kids to stop arguing
- Effective discipline techniques that equip kids to behave better
- Prevent meltdowns with an easy volcano box
- Teach your kids to cook with the click of a button
- Yes, your kids can do laundry. Here’s how
- How to set up a staggeringly smooth chore chart